Life is a process of constant downloads.
From the moment we get here, information starts coming in. Expectations, desires, fears, beliefs, habits, values, definitions of success, definitions of failure. Some are taught directly. Some are observed. Some are rewarded. Some are punished. All of it becomes part of our programming.
The point isn't to blame any particular source. It isn't parents, school, religion, culture, social media, authority, or anything else. It's all there to be sifted through. The question is whether we ever stop long enough to do the sifting.
It's good to unplug and antivirus ourselves from time to time.
When I say that, I don't mean deleting everything you've learned. I mean looking for you. The you that you're comfortable being at all times.
Are you comfortable, or are you shaky? Do you change your rhetoric? Why do you feel the need to do so? Is it to fit in, or is it to progress? Is it selfish, or is it advantageous? Either way, is that okay with you? Is that the person you think you see when you look in the mirror of life?
For me, one of those observations was realizing that I didn't have a healthy fear of failure like I thought I did. What was actually in me was a fear of messing up. My sister and I could fail at a task and that was fine. We could try our best and still fail. What carried different consequences was attempting something and messing it up. For years I thought those were the same thing. They weren't.
The problem wasn't mistakes. The problem was my relationship with them. That relationship was downloaded.
I'm not even sure exactly when it got there. Not every download comes with a receipt. All I know is I found it. I observed it. It was there.
Once I observed it, I had information. Once I had information, I had a decision. I made a decision not to be fearful of mistakes. I made a decision to be a better, more confident me.
That decision changed a lot. I became more confident in my relationships, more confident within my family, and more confident professionally. I spoke up more. I second-guessed myself less. I became more patient. I became more present. I felt better about many of the daily decisions I had to make.
That's where uploads come in.
An upload isn't information. An upload requires exhibited understanding of the download through your reaction and your decision. That's what you put back into the world.
The download was the programming. The upload was what I chose to do with it.
The upload was walking with more confidence. The upload was speaking up. The upload was becoming more present. The upload was making different decisions. The upload was becoming someone different than I was before.
Another observation I made was that there wasn't really a Work Dad and a Home Dad. It was one person dealing with different levels of noise. At work I had more time to think, more peace, and more space. The environment made it easier, but that is no excuse to be fearful at home. The environment matters, but eventually a decision still has to be made.
That's what observation has taught me.
Life is a process of constant downloads. Not all downloads are bad. Many are useful. Many help shape us into capable people. The question isn't whether the download exists. The question is what it consistently produces in you across different situations, environments, and emotions.
I can feel safe and emotionally sad. I can feel safe and drained. I can feel safe and frustrated. The feeling I'm looking for isn't happiness. It's the feeling that I am comfortable being this person regardless of the amount of noise around me.
We're often told to discover ourselves. I don't think that's the goal.
I think the goal is to observe, gather information, and make a decision.
Some downloads stay. Some are modified. Some are removed. Some become uploads.
Identity is not discovered.
Identity is decided.